OVERWHELMED!!

WARNING: THIS IS RAW, PERSONAL INFORMATION. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
David is not here to talk to so I am using this blog to process some of my thoughts. The last few weeks have been difficult days for me, especially at home. Jesus, please meet with me as I type and help me to work out some of these issues. Honestly, I am having a hard time enjoying my children. What are the difficulties? Bickering, a baby who has turned so whiny all of a sudden, boys who want to beat up each other all day long, not listening to instructions, self-centeredness and the inability or unwillingness to consider others... I could go on, but really I think I just feel two things: one is a sense of being overwhelmed by day to day struggles and the second is a genuine burden for the spiritual and emotional maturation of my children. Now my problem is what do I do now? What do I do with these feelings? How do I handle them correctly so that I grow to know God in a deeper way and that my children do, too. How do I teach my children things like overlooking a (minor) offense, patience with a grumpy baby (even when I am tiring of it too), thinking of someone else's feelings or desires, being calm when necessary, self control when they are angry, etc...? Not to mention picking up after oneself, not picking one's nose, closing the door when going outside, following directions as soon as they are given, etc... I am getting bogged down in the muck of parenthood. I am not laughing and enjoying being a mommy. Tonight I played a card game with the girls after I finally got all the boys in bed. It was so good to laugh with them. I told them that our laughter was good medicine for me. But the majority of my day is so different. How do I enjoy them when one minute my three year old is calling someone "poopy bottom," my five year old gets angry and hits him, the 10 year old gets mad at the 5 year old and starts saying all manner of ugly things. Then a few minutes later, the baby is whining at my feet or pulling the CDs off the shelf he knows he isn't supposed to touch and "accidently" the 8 year old pushes the 5 year old off the bed and now he's screaming in his anger at his mistreatment. And on it goes all day! It hasn't always been like this I don't think. What has changed or why do I feel the weight of parenting so heavily now?
Is is a discipline problem? Is it some sort of spiritual attack? Is it deep heart issues with me or with my children? Probably it is some of all of it.
Last night after a hard day, I just put some worship music on and prayed and worshiped God. And it was wonderful! Today, I am writing this blog. I feel like crying and screaming all at the same time. I do feel like God gives me strength enough for each day, but I don't like always feeling like I am running on fumes. fumes of joy, fumes of patience, fumes of energy and strength... I want to be victorious. I want Jesus to be king in my home. I want my children to love God and his ways. I want to abide in Christ. I want to live in freedom and joy and the power of the Holy Spirit. I want more than I am experiencing right now!
One thing I know. God had put me in this place at this time and it is He who is my help! I call on Him and wait for his hand of mercy and deliverance. I am not giving up the fight. If I don't give up, I win!
Here's my plan. Worship and pray now! Communion with God is my strength, my joy, my fuel! Tomorrow, I think I'll turn off my computer, use paper plates, sing lots of fun kids songs, get outside and enjoy my kids. And I'll start our day with worship and prayer and God's Living Word! I'll "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding!"
It was nice to write openly. I feel a little lighter after expressing my frustrations. I hope none of you are offended or have the wrong idea about me or my family! I love what I do and my kids are great. We are all just a work in progress and that gets messy sometimes. God is faithful! I'll write again soon so I don't leave you hanging.
Just thought of this verse, God speaking: "when you pass through the waters, I will be with you and the waves will not overwhelm you." From Isaiah 43. Thank you Lord for your promises.